The Books You Need to Read

Over the course of my ministry, I’ve found a few crucial books that have deeply helped the way I conduct my work as a priest. When I find such a book, I usually write notes of the key points. Now I know busy clergy don’t have time to read books, but they might want to read a quick summary. So I make these available on the internet… in the hope that the summary will entice the reader to eventually buy the book. Here’s my current library (and this page may get updated from time to time.)

Evangelisation

Forming Intentional Disciples – based on case studies of 150 converts who went from no faith to a fervent Catholic life, Sherry Weddell indicates how we can nudge souls in the right direction one step at a time. (I’ve also made a video about this!)

Parish Management

Rebuilt is the story of an American parish priest and his lay associate, who
successfully grew their parish from 1500 to 4000 regular worshippers by a relentless focus on reaching the lost. They offer principles which are readily transferable to other parishes.

Divine Renovation tells how a Candian parish has promoted high levels of engagement by practicing Catholics. Volunteering and financial giving has doubled, participation in courses has tripled, and more than 40% of parishioners are actively engaged with the life of the parish. Raising engagement may be more managable for a parish too small to start a working group to transform a parish the Rebuilt way.

Other Pastoral Texts

The Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic is not a book I find myself referring to as often as the ones above, perhaps becuase the “four signs” are part of the engagement included in Divine Renovation. But you may be interested in the Christmas Book Programme!

The General Directory for Catechesis sets out the Church’s vision of how we should catechise.

Love and Responsibility gives Catholic sexual teaching from the perspective of Karol Wojtyła (later St John Paul II).

Unbound deals with the ministry of deliverance, and is useful both for pastors, and allows a simple prayerful approach to self-deliverance for those who cannot find a pastor willing to assist. I have also summarised the Catholic Church’s official documents on exorcism and deliverance.

Multimedia

OK, these aren’t books but I want to highly recommend some sites doing video resources too:

Running a Toddler Mass

For three months now, I’ve been celebrating a “Toddler Mass” on Saturday afternoons. In September, about 60 people came. In October, 107. In November, 112 (that’s adults plus tots). It’s been a delight to see, among the worshippers. a number of parents who became Catholics through RCIA in past years and then dropped out of circulation. We also have a number of regular parishioners who seem to be borrowing grandchildren for the occasion! The picture above shows our first Toddler Mass (any parents who didn’t want their family in the photo were given the opportunity to stand aside before it was taken).

Why a toddler Mass? In recent years I asked many parents what was stopping them coming to Mass, and was told that they worried their small children would create too much of a distraction for other worshippers. At the moment we don’t have the right mix of volunteers to run a Children’s Liturgy of the Word in parallel with Mass, and parents who came to a focus group didn’t like the idea of being corralled in the separate Small Hall and following Mass on a video relay. So if there’s no workable solution to have the toddlers outside the church the logical conclusion is… have them inside the church!

How do I celebrate a Toddler Mass? By using all the concessions allowed by the rubrics for a Mass with children. I celebrate a weekday Mass at 4 pm on a Saturday afternoon, currently just on the Second Saturday of the month. This is late enough to fulfil one’s Sunday Obligation without needing to the follow the rubrics for a Sunday Mass. Unless the Saturday is itself a Feast or Solemnity, in Ordinary Time I have the discretion to choose an appropriate votive Mass suitable to the season (e.g. Our Lady of the Rosary in October, Holy Souls in November, Christian Unity in January, the Blessed Sacrament in June). The Mass follows this pattern, and takes about 35 minutes:

  • Action song as the opening song.
  • Make a clear announcement at the start that this is a Mass where all children, however disruptive, are welcome and adults who don’t like the noise can participate via audio-relay behind glass in the Narthex.
  • Short penitential rite – “Lord Have Mercy” with short tropes.
  • No Gloria.
  • Shortest possible First Reading from the lectionary for votive and occasional Masses.
  • Combine the psalm with an alleluia-response to use the psalm as the Gospel Acclamation.
  • Shortest possible Gospel, as above.
  • A one-minute homily message aimed at the parents, not the children.
  • No creed or bidding prayers – or perhaps bidding prayers in the form of quickly asking participants for topics for prayer which I then frame as an ad lib bidding prayer.
  • Short song while a collection is taken – no procession of other gifts though.
  • Eucharistic Prayer for Children with a sung Gloria response.
  • Antiphon for communion.
  • Parish notices suitable to the audience.
  • Action song to close.

The Mass is noisy, and I now recognise the well-founded concerns that parents have that, if present at regular Mass, the toddlers would be disruptive to others. Nevertheless, the parents who do come seem to enjoy it and have returned in subsequent months! (Canon Law doesn’t oblige baptised children under the age of reason to attend Mass, but parents may have no other childcare options.)

How do we publicise the Toddler Mass? Our parish primary schools can mention it in their newsletters, but over the last two years we have used ChurchSuite to build up an extensive parish database, from surveys and sacramental applications, and it’s easy to send a targeted email or SMS text to all parents with a child under 7!

Imagine Heaven

Yesterday, I was at a gathering of Christian ministers in South Wales addressed by Julian Richards, leader of New Wine Cymru. He recommended a book, Imagine Heaven – suffice it to say, the fact I have read it from cover to cover in the last 24 hours is a recommendation that it is a good book

Many, many people in the last 100 years and before, have reported “Near Death Experiences” (NDEs) – following a life-threatening injury or serious illness, they have reported experiences of leaving their body, and commonly (but not always), seeing their own body from the outside, travelling down a tunnel, meeting a being of light, and being taken on a review of the positive and negative actions in their whole life. There is a growing body of scientific literature analysing these reports, looking for common threads, and trying to understand what is going on. Is it an artefact of what happens to consciousness in a dying brain? Is it a spiritual gift to encourage or convert a person’s behaviour? Or is it a foretaste of what will happen to all of us when we take our final journey?

There are several ways a Christian could seek to analyse these reports objectively. One would be to look at all the possible explanations and weigh their merits and demerits. Another would be to make the working assumption that they are genuine spiritual experiences and try to list how each experience matched up to a number of spiritual worldviews. The third would be to assume that the Christian worldview revealed in Scripture is correct, and see how the actual experiences reported, stripped of the personal interpretation put on them by the recipients, measure up to what a Christian would expect. It is this third path which has been taken by the author, John Burke, who trained as an engineer and is now a Christian pastor

Burke finds that NDE reports from non-Christian cultures are generally compatible with Christian understanding: a study of Indians commonly found reports of meeting a Being with a Book, which Hindus naturally interpreted as a ledger of karma, but can also be understood as the books of personal deeds and the Book of Life spoken of in the last book of the New Testament, the Apocalypse, or Revelation, of St John. Burke repeatedly notes that atheists, surgeons and pilots – well-paid professionals with nothing to gain and reputations to lose – have reported meeting Christ or a Christ-like being of light, even if they were not Christians prior to their experience.

Imagine Heaven is not written from a Catholic perspective, but I find nothing in it contrary to Catholic teaching. A small proportion of the NDEs are visions which seem to be of hell rather than heaven, sometimes eased when the person cried out to God for help – but by definition, an NDE is not a passage into irreversible judgement, since the person’s earthly life is not yet over. Several case studies have the soul near death being met by pairs of angels (and the author notes the Gospel passage establishing the existence of guardian angels is plural, though ambiguous about whether there is one angel per soul – it only says that ‘children have angels’.) One case study has the soul being met and showed around heaven by ‘a woman’, though Burke does not speculate on who the woman’s identity might be. Nor is Purgatory discussed directly – but there is one fleeting reference to a soul who, having met Jesus, asked what happens if a person is not ready to enter into perfect love? The answer was that they “freeze”, further explained as: “They just lock up and . . . think about themselves. . . . They want to move forward but they’re not ready to.” 

This book has challenged me to think again about my ideas of what happens to us at death. I realised that until now, I had a very hands-on idea of God reaching down, plucking the soul from the body, and putting it where it was meant to go. But if modern medicine is able to rescue more and more patients from the brink of death, this fits poorly with a God who knows in advance who is going to recover. Except for those cases where a soul needs to be challenged to conversion or encouraged in its good works, why would God ‘take’ a soul only to put it back? Rather, perhaps this is evidence for the nature of the human soul, which is unconstrained and able to experience the afterlife as a dying body shuts down but not totally released until the body is beyond repair? (The idea of a ‘silver cord’ is found in scripture, at Ecclesiastes 12:6 – perhaps this is more than poetry?) The ‘judgment’ may indeed be more about the soul’s own response to the pure light which is God, than an active gathering or dismissing by order of a divine judge.

Souls in heaven are generally reported as being shaped like human bodies yet translucent and permeable to the matter of heaven. The appearance is often around 30 years old, but there are reports of children and of ‘eternally young grandparents’ – suggesting that the way appearance is communicated, is malleable. Heaven is pictured as a beautiful landscape, with no seas but a river of life literally flowing ‘through’ those who plunge into it, and as a great city filled with light. Delicious fruits can be tasted from trees which immediately regrow any fruit picked, and a flower borrowed from the ground to sample its scent immediately re-roots itself on being put down. Colours, fragrances and other sensory experiences are reported as being much richer than our earthly experience. Joyful meetings with family members and friends are generally mediated by thought rather than speech, though there are also reports of souls joining with songs of praise. The one image which seems absent is of souls sharing a meal together – perhaps this experience must await the general resurrection of the body?

When I first became a Christian in my teens, I remember reading the Book of Revelation and excitedly pondering what sort of apartment I would have when I reached the heavenly city, and who my neighbours would be. In more recent years, when my closest friendships have been long-distance relationships squeezed into the cracks of priestly ministry, I have sometimes pondered what it will be like when I can enjoy these relationships when they reach their fullness in heaven, without the constraints of limited time or interpersonal misunderstanding. There, I look forward to ‘knowing and being fully known’ (I Corinthians 13:12), not only in my relationship with Christ, but with all the members of His Body I have already started to love on earth.

Burke speculates that St Paul himself may have had an NDE, perhaps at the time he was ‘beaten and left for dead’ – resulting in his ‘knowing a man caught up into heaven’. I had never thought of St Paul as having had an NDE rather than a simple vision, but it is fascinating to imagine how this might have informed his writings, alongside the Book of Revelation which is explicitly framed as a vision of heaven. Imagine Heaven is not Scripture, and adds to Scripture only people’s claimed experiences – and yet those experiences fit so well with what we already know from Scripture that I, for one, will now be daydreaming in richer images when I meditate on the last mystery of the rosary – the Coronation of Our Lady and the Glory of all the Saints!

Children in Spiritual Need

Assembly at Corpus Christi High School, 20 November 2017

I wonder how many of you spent Friday night watching the BBC’s Children in Need appeal? If you did, you’ll have seen lots of short films about children in different kinds of need and how money raised has been able to help them. This morning, I’d like to show you two more children in need…

We live in a world where things go wrong. Children are born sick, or get sick, or have accidents and become badly injured. Parents, too, can be struck down by some illness or injury.

It was exactly the same when Jesus was alive! He lived in a world where we didn’t have the medical knowledge we have today. The Bible tells us that twice he raised children back to life when they had died. He healed people who were deaf, blind, or couldn’t walk – in one case, a man who had been disabled for 38 years!

Some scholars look at the world we live in and decide to blame God. They say that if God can’t do anything to fix it, he’s not very powerful and isn’t much of a god. But if God could fix it and chooses not to, he’s a mean god and not worthy of our attention. Me? I don’t think either of those answers are right.

When I was 11 years old, my grandma died. I was hurting, and I had a choice. I could choose to blame God, as the person who took my granny away – or I could turn to God for help, believing he could do something about it. I chose to ask God for help, and that was when I discovered that God was really there and wanted to help me and guide me.

The families in the video we have just seen also chose to turn to God for help. When these children were ill, they found strength from God through the sacrament of anointing the sick.

Jesus came into a world of sick people and said: “God is with you and wants to help you.” How does God want to help us? Sometimes by a miraculous cure – indeed, behind every saint canonized, there’s a story of God allowing someone to become seriously ill, and then receiving a miracle through asking the prayers of that saint. But often God wants to help us by walking with us through the times of darkness. We’re going to learn a song now which helps us understand what God wants to say to us in difficult times.


This assembly uses Children in Need as a cultural starting point and is not meant to endorse Children in Need. There are legitimate concerns about the morality of some of the projects it funds, as articulated by John Smeaton. On the other hand, Catholics are allowed freedom of conscience to choose something largely good which has some negative aspects – you can read my essay on how far we can compromise.

Men of God

Homily for the Couples for Christ (South Region) men’s retreat at Hebron Hall, 11 November 2017

Gentlemen, today I would like to introduce you to a beautiful woman! She is called: WISDOM!

St Paul speaks about a gift of knowledge and a gift of wisdom. Knowledge is having an understanding of true things. Wisdom is about knowing the best way to do things. If you let this lady into your life, she will make a true man of you!

The wise bridesmaids Jesus spoke about are a sign of us as Christians, brides of Jesus. And gentlemen, although this may feel a bit awkward, each one of us is a bride of Christ. These ladies are our role models, always on the lookout for signs of Jesus. As Christians, you must be men of prayer, always ask Christ to guide and lead you in the decisions you make. Study his Holy Word – for there is no point praying for an answer, and ignoring the answers Jesus already gives in the Bible!

But because the Bible uses the image of Christ as a bridegroom, Jesus also teaches you, gentlemen, what it is to be a perfect husband. Jesus lays down his life for the bride he loves. You who are married, each one of you is called to lay down your life for your wife. This may mean a few big sacrifices – but it usually means lots of little ones.

What happens when you come home from work, and your wife wants to talk? Do you half-listen while reading your smartphone and mutter “yes dear” without really hearing the words? A man like Jesus, a truly wise man, will choose to put down his smartphone and give his wife half an hour of undivided attention when you are both home after a busy day. Each one of you, gentleman, has been blessed with a superpower by God. It is the power to choose to stop what you are doing and show your wife, by words and actions, “Your needs are more important than mine right now.”

If you find yourself in an argument, always ask yourself whether you are being driven by the need to win, or the real issue you are arguing about. If your wife’s solution is reasonable, don’t be afraid to say “OK”. Remember a wise saying: “The noble art of losing face will one day save the human race.”

One subject it is easy to get caught in arguments about, is money. You come from one family. Your wife comes from another family. Now you have started your own family, but the other two families need your support, remittances of money sent home. How much is a fair share for your wife’s family? How much is a fair share for your parents and their extended family? The Bible does ask you to honour your parents, but it also says that when a couple marry, they start their own household. Your first obligation is the needs of your wife and children. Beware of getting into debt because you are giving too much away. Don’t borrow unless you can see how you can repay it. But if anyone is in debt, struggling to repay, and you don’t know where to turn, I recommend this UK charity which will advise you: Turn2Us.

Once your own family needs are secure, whatever you then send to relatives and cousins is a gift. Does a “fair share” look like an equal slice for each living grandparent? For each living cousin – if one side has more cousins than the other? Is it fairer to give more to a relative who is sick? Beware – there can be more than one “fair” way to do things! Even Jesus refused to take part in an argument about dividing up two brothers’ inheritance! Why not first agree how much of your monthly income you can “give away” in total – to family, to your parish, to ANCOP and any other charities you want to support. Make a list of all the people and causes you want to help. Then let you and your wife each take a copy of the list and separately divide up your give-away pot in the way you think is fair. When you show each other the list, take the two decisions and take their average. There’s no easy way to make a better agreement – because we value different causes differently. Remember, the only fair amount to give away is zero. Anything beyond zero is not fair; it is generous, because it is an undeserved gift.

Gentlemen, in today’s world of technology, we face another grave danger. It is called pornography. It is a lie. It is a dangerous lie, because it makes us wish our women could reach impossible heights. It is a serious sin, because every time we demand it on our phones or shops, we are making a request for someone else to sin so we can have pleasure. There is no place for porn in the life of a Man of God, except the place of the confessional where you can seek spiritual healing. If this is something you struggle with, I recommend to you a website called ClicktoKick.

The Bible warns us of temptations from the world, the flesh and the devil, temptations which come in the form of money, sex and power. Jesus battled Satan in the wilderness; and you, gentlemen, are called to battle Satan in your daily lives. Your aim is to be a real man, as Jesus was a real man, wielding weapons of humility, graciousness and wisdom.

Today I have tried to offer you the company of Lady Wisdom, who guides you in doing what is right in everyday life. The Second Reading speaks of a day of judgment, when you will meet Christ. He will judge you on how well you have imitated him and embraced this gift of wisdom. Each day you must refill your lamp, asking God for strength to do the right thing, to die to yourself and serve your bride. Only in this way can each one of you become a true man of God, head of a Couple for Christ. Blessings upon you.

 

 

Dear Deacon Ditewig, I remain confused!

Dear Deacon Ditewig,

As one Catholic blogger to another, both ordained Catholic ministers with PhDs, I have to say that despite your recent post, I remain confused. I don’t disagree with Pope Francis – I can’t, because I don’t fully grasp what he is is asking me to do. Perhaps that’s because of a different kind of polarisation, which has nothing to do with traditional/liberal viewpoints in the church and everything to do with the way we think about right and wrong.

I fully recognise that I live in a polarised church. Many Catholics, particularly those formed in the 60s and following decades, are humanitarians. They fully embrace the command to “love your neighbour” and are rather uncomfortable with those church teachings (e.g. about divorce, contraception, abortion) which make life more difficult for people in already-difficult situations (many don’t seem comfortable with the idea of a God who reveals Himself and speaks with authority). Meanwhile, a generation of young Catholics, particularly upcoming seminarians, have taken refuge in the outer trappings of identity, taking comfort in cassocks, Latin, and various traditions dating back 500 or 1000 years, though not to the time of Christ himself.

The thing is, I find myself in neither of these groups. I am an evangelical Catholic, seeking the voice of Christ in Scripture, Apostolic Tradition, and the Magisterium, and willing to set aside my own preferences for the sake of obedient unity. Before Pope Francis, I did not wash women’s feet at the Maundy Thursday Mass. A year following his election, guided by his example (and sensing that he wished to lead by example rather than issuing documents), I washed women’s feet at the Mass of the Lord’s Supper for the first time. But I felt more comfortable about doing so after the Vatican had made it official.

I want to live out my Catholic priesthood faithful to Jesus Christ and to the directives of the Magisterium. But I find it difficult to make sense of Amoris Laetitia. Pope Francis says explicitly he does not intend to set out case examples to guide us, because we as parish priests need to “accompany” and “discern” individual cases of persons who have entered a second union after a failed marriage. But what is it that I am to discern?

Do I recognise that there is moral good present in a relationship which is faithful and expressive of agape love, but which lacks the Church’s blessing? (AL 292) Yes, of course.

Do I recognise that some Catholics don’t have a fully developed understanding of their call to faithfulness in a marriage blessed by the Church? (AL 295) Yes, that too.

At the root of all of this is the teaching of Our Lord himself, who forbade divorce (with the exception of ‘porneia‘, which the scholars still argue about), tempered by St Paul’s privilege for a Christian abandoned by an unbelieving spouse.

The problem with marriage is that, for a person to be validly married, they must stand up in public and declare themselves to be freely entering into an unbreakable, lifelong, commitment. Now, if in my conversation with the person, I find that they didn’t understand this, I have grounds to believe the original marriage was invalid. But if they did understand this, what is left to discern?

In AL 300, Pope Francis sets out that there are many different cases of second unions, and priests may need to accompany such partners in an examination of conscience; in some cases, we may find that there was “no grave fault” on the part of the divorced person. The Pope says there can be no double standards and there is no “gradualness in the law”. I take this to mean that in working with such a person, I can help ease the guilt they may feel about the failure of the first relationship, but I must also help them understand that they have made a promise to God to live in lifelong fidelity to that partner, since the same law applies to every sacramental marriage.

Pope Francis then points out (AL 305) that a person in objective sin may partially or even totally lack subjective culpability and still be living in God’s grace. In footnote 351 he reminds us that the Confessional must be a place of mercy and the Eucharist is medicine for the sick. Clearly by placing these footnotes where they are, the Pope is asking me to consider whether I should offer absolution or holy communion to a person in a second union. But how can I absolve a person for breaking a promise of life-long faithfulness if that person is not yet willing or able to resume keeping the promise?

Reading on (AL 308), Pope Francis indicates his preference for a “less rigorous” approach which intrinsically allows space for confusion. Well, I am certainly confused. I am not helped by noticing that while the Polish Bishops have affirmed the status quo, the Maltese Bishops have indicated that in certain circumstances, persons in second unions might receive absolution and communion, and be admitted as godparents. If the Magisterium says it is not possible to give clear rules or even case studies of when I should say yes or no, how am I to make my discernment?

My PhD is not in Theology (though I have a first class Bachelor’s in Theology) – it is in Astrophysics. While you sail the seas, I navigate the heavens. I have a mathematical mind, trained in logic and principles. And perhaps that is the problem. These days, we understand that people have different thinking styles. Not everyone’s brain tackles moral problems the same way. Some brains see things more in terms of principles; others see consequences. It might be the case (I’d love to have the research time to test this) that professors of moral philosophy are more likely than average human beings to be biased to think in terms of principles. Perhaps Pope Francis, and Jesuits in general, have an aptitude for discerning imperfect courses of action which lead a step closer to God’s will without reaching its fullness.

Pope Francis does not want to throw the floodgates open for everyone. But he does want me, as a parish priest, to discern whether a particular individual might approach the sacraments without ruling out that possibility. “Discerning” means I can’t decide a priori to allow everyone or no-one to do so. But without (non-binding) case studies and examples, I don’t know what I am looking for.

There have been many times in my life when I have chosen to act on principle even though I foresaw the consequences may have been problematic. I did so before I became a Catholic; and once I was a Catholic, I took comfort in the idea that the Church teaches that there are intrinsic evils, so morality depends on principles rather than consequences. I know that saints have been martyred for holding to their principles. But I also know that a strong reason that I live by my principles is that I am “wired” to do so, and not all human beings are wired like me.

Deacon Ditewig, you have suggested that those who say Pope Francis’ words are “confusing” are really hiding the fact that they disagree with him. But please hear me when I say that if the Magisterium teaches clearly that I am to deny communion to those in second unions, I will do so; if the Magisterium teaches clearly that I am to admit them, I will do so (while still maintaining that such relationships are prima facie adulterous; I recognise that the Eucharist can be medicine for sinners). As a parish priest I have been charged with “discerning and accompanying” individuals towards a possible decision to admit them to communion, a process which is as alien to my science-shaped mind as it seems intuitive to Pope Francis (who graduated as a chemical technician, and is therefore skilled in providing solutions).

Therefore I remain, respectfully,

Confused of Cardiff.

(Revd Dr Gareth Leyshon, PhD, MInstP, MA (Oxon), BTh, Director of Ongoing Formation of the Archdiocese of Cardiff – views are my own)

Doin’ the Right Thing

Homily at St Philip Evans, on the Thirty-First Sunday of Ordinary Time, Year A.

A Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner. On the table was platter with one large fish, and a smaller fish. As soon as the Franciscan had said grace, the Jesuit reached over and took the larger fish for himself. The Franciscan took the small piece, in silence. Aware that there was a bad atmosphere in the room, the Jesuit asked what the problem was.

“It’s just that St Francis taught us that we should always choose the smaller portion for ourselves,” said the Franciscan.

“So what’s the problem?” said the Jesuit, “That’s exactly what you’ve got!”*

We expect certain standards of behaviour from the people around us – and all the more so when those other people are religious leaders, politicians, or exercise authority in business or public life. During the last couple of weeks the news has been full of claims of people whose integrity has fallen short – first in Hollywood, then in our Houses of Parliament.

Human nature hasn’t changed much in 2000 years. We’ve just heard Our Lord calling out the Pharisees for making rules and then setting a bad example. The first reading dates from 500 years before that, when the Prophet Malachi condemned the Jewish priests of his day for not following God’s law.

St Paul, on the other hand, is trying to set a good example: for the last three weeks we’ve been listening to his letter to the Thessalonians, which is the earliest piece of Christian writing we have. When Paul and his mission team went to Thessalonika, the people saw that these missionaries were living with integrity between when they taught and how they lived; they didn’t even ask for money, but earned their own living while they were preaching the message. In turn, the Thessalonians embraced the Christian message fully, and started living according to the teachings of Jesus.

Part of our problem in Britain today is that our culture is no longer based on the teachings of Jesus. Even 50 years ago, there would have been a shared understanding around Christian values. If two people wanted to have a close relationship, they would start dating, then get married, and only then enjoy full intimacy. Once a person was married, they were not available for other relationships. Of course people got tempted to break the rules – but by and large, there was peer pressure from family and friends to keep the rules.

In today’s world, the rules are different. Society around us can’t agree on any other rules, so the only possible rule is: adults can do whatever they like together, as long as they agree. But when personal relationships get mixed up with the person who can choose whether you get a promotion or pay-rise, there is always a subtle pressure which means you are not totally free to say no. We Christians need to recognise this. If we are are unmarried or widowed, and therefore free to seek a romantic relationship, we would do well to identify a few rules for ourselves.

  • First, we must choose not to date anyone with whom we have a power-relation, either as a boss or an employee. If we do fall in love in such a situation, the price of pursuing the relationship should be for one person, preferably the more powerful one, to leave the organisation. (This is an ideal – but we should hold ourselves to high ideals.)
  • Second, if we do choose to flirt with someone, it should only be someone we view as a possible future husband or wife – someone who is also unmarried or a widower.
  • Third, when we do start dating someone, we should set out our values clearly from the beginning: we believe that certain kinds of intimacy must wait until we are married. This avoids disappointment and misunderstandings for all concerned. We can no longer take it for granted that other people – even if they are churchgoers – automatically share this point of view.

Some of us come from cultures where it is normal for parents to make introductions in the hope of marrying their children into good families. It’s not wrong to make suggestions, but the Catholic Church teaches that marriage must always be a free choice between the man and woman concerned. If you do choose to arrange a possible relationship for your children, integrity requires that you give your adult child room to say “no” with dignity. It would be a terrible thing to place your offspring in a dilemma where honouring their parents means accepting a relationship they are not entirely comfortable with. Indeed, Scripture warns parents not to “drive your children to resentment”.

Of course, integrity goes beyond romantic relationships. We may be in workplace situations where we are asked to break a rule or give someone an unfair advantage in exchange for a pay-rise, promotion, or other perk. Perhaps Our Lord had this kind of situation in mind when he said “the children of this world are more astute than the children of light”. It’s a very worldly thing, to do someone a favour in return for some advantage. But that’s not how Christ asks us to live. If we truly put our trust in him, and resist such behaviour for his sake, then I believe that he will bless us because of it. Scripture declares that God will turn all things to good for those who love Christ JesusA finger pointing to the left with other fingers curved over the hand's palm.

So remember the old saying, that when we point the finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at ourself. So how is your integrity today? Before we rush to condemn the greedy Jesuit, or anyone who happens to be in the news headlines this week, let’s examine our own behaviour, and raise our own standards. This requires self-discipline, but we can also encourage each other to keep high standards. It’s up to us! Remember one more old saying: A true gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes… and doesn’t.


* Adapted from Jesuits Telling Jokes.